What to do (and not do) When You’re Not Getting Along With Your Spouse

Some of you know my husband works in the trades.  He’s worked  as an interior painter for the last 18 years.  Over the course of his work experience he has also done handyman work and seen the process of houses being built and renovated several times.  Painting usually happens after the drywall goes up which happens after insulation is put in. Drywall and insulation are both unattractive and hidden inside the house.  However, without them a house would be cold or uncomfortably (and sometimes unbearably) hot.  It would also be unsecured and vulnerable to falling down in adverse conditions.  

In a marriage, drywall and insulation can represent conflict, an ugly but necessary part of any healthy, intimate relationship.  However, when conflict isn’t handled well, over time it can result in a marriage apocalypse!  The first sign the apocalypse might be coming is criticism.  

Criticism is what John Gottman of The Gottman Institute identifies as one of the 4 horsemen of marriage (the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a symbolic metaphor in the New Testament describing the end times) that opens the door to 3 more horsemen which, when all present, typically result in mass destruction. 

Criticism happens when you attack your partner’s character.  This is different from evaluating a specific behavior that you find troublesome.  Criticism often involves a moral judgment about who a person is versus the unworkability of their behavior for you.  There may or may not be immorality involved in their choices, however, criticism allows for someone to be judged as a bad person through and through.  When we are angry our emotions may scream at us to judge our spouse as “bad”, but the TRUTH is that every person is made in God’s image.  Being made in God’s image means that you have intrinsic worth and value and your spouse does too, no matter how awful you judge their behavior.  Their behavior may or may not be “bad” (sometimes it is just different than yours and you would prefer they do things your way), but they will always have value.  

Your energy is much better spent meditating on their inherent value rather than routinely taking inventory of what you perceive to be their character defects (even if your perception is accurate).  The only personal inventories you are responsible for are your own. Your partner is perfectly happy doing what they are doing, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it. Taking their inventory will not change that.  Since your well being isn’t rooted in your spouse (or anyone else), you can actually rest in the knowledge that there are other successful and healthy ways to get your needs met that don’t rely on your partner.  You will need all the energy you have to explore those possibilities.  

You will also need that energy to put the following concept from the Gottman Institute into practice if you want to shift out of criticism in your communication with your partner:

Use a gentle start-up.  The first 3 minutes of your conversation determine how the whole discussion will go.  Harsh communication at any time, but particularly off the bat, will cause any discussion or problem solving to deteriorate before your very eyes.  Instead of verbally attacking your partner and their character, prepare for the conversation with an exercise in self-awareness (trust me it’s worth it).  Take 10-15 minutes to identify how you are feeling about the situation (that is singular on purpose;  commit to addressing ONE problematic behavior or experience at a time).  Follow that with determining what you need that you would like your partner to give you. 

For example, a while ago, one of our kids went to Todd to talk to him about something they were dealing with that was upsetting them.  He was in the middle of a house project at the time.  He was not fully engaged and I noticed our child was hurt and disappointed that he  wasn’t really listening to them.  It was really bothering me and I couldn’t get past it!  I decided to talk to him about it and I could feel criticism coming up fast.  I had enough experience in our marriage at this point to know the conversation could go really bad if I let my emotions tell me how to proceed.  When we finally sat down to talk, instead of saying, “you’re so insensitive”, I decided to say, “I feel really concerned about [our child].  I noticed that…[I explained the facts of what I understood their interaction to be].  I feel sad about that.  In the future, if you are distracted when the kids want to talk to you, could you please let them know and offer to plan another time to talk to them?” 

I  had to forgo communicating my own interpretation of what happened and stick to the facts of the interaction.  I chose to ask for what I wanted in a positive instead of a negative (what do I want him to do?  This is in contrast to what I don’t want him to do).  I also said, “please” (ok I admit it was through clenched teeth) because a gentle start up includes politeness.  Lastly, I don’t know if I remembered to do this (probably not), but It would have been ideal to end by telling him what I appreciate about his parenting (or anything else).  This most likely would have had to have been determined in the prep work since positive memories or thoughts are hard to come by when negative emotions are flying around.  

The issue was resolved relatively quickly.  This was a welcome change to many years of conflict that could take weeks or even months to resolve.  The Four Horsemen would come galloping in and it was miserable for everyone involved!!  

Many couples are either afraid to engage in conflict or are committed to work through problems but don’t have the skills to make conflict work for them.   If you want increased intimacy in your marriage, start with the commitment to avoid criticism. Use a gentle start-up instead.  If you have not been in the habit of healthy communication or  thought patterns, you will probably need to practice this several times before you feel successful doing it.  If you feel like you’re losing your way and keep getting off track as you try to put these skills into practice, you might consider utilizing outside help.   In fact, that is often when husbands and wives start seeing breakthrough in their relationshps.