Top 3 tools needed for a marriage tune-up
If you’ve decided your marriage needs a tune up in the new year, don’t take a swing in the dark to try improving your relationship. Check out these 3 habits every marriage needs to succeed researched by marriage experts at Prepare/Enrich and The Gottman Institute:
Be polite. Really? This is one of the magic formulas for a successful marriage? It’s not rocket science but this age old practice, though severely lacking in our current culture, is a tried and true habit that is one researched predictor of a long term, fulfilling marriage.
If you have a hard time being self-regulated, do whatever you need to do to get that under control ASAP. You don’t need to say everything that comes to your mind when you feel hurt or angry. It’s easy to become “flooded” in a conflict or argument. Tanya Gaum, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, describes flooding as “panic levels of anxiety, sobbing uncontrollably, manic pacing, or raging at your partner as if you are fighting for your very life.” It’s normal to have emotional responses in an argument, but when we no longer have self control, start criticizing your spouse’s character, or shift into accusatory statements, that’s when you need a different approach. Saying something like, “I’m getting flooded and I need to take a break” can go a long way to save your marriage from slow corrosion caused by rude, hurtful, or traumatizing behavior.
Be Flexible. Research shows that generally speaking, women are much more likely to be flexible and change their plans to accommodate their husbands. However, one of the strongest indicators that a marriage is going to last the long haul is when men become equally adaptable when it comes to accepting influence from their wives. When men in particular become inflexible, it packs more of a negative punch in the relationship.
Several years ago we did a little stint (4 years) in a religious community that, over time, we realized was more akin to a cult. There was a heavy emphasis on husbands being the head of the home (not as a servant-hearted partner in the Biblical sense, but as an authoritarian). We were taught that wives submitted to their husbands (not that both people submitted to each other as is in the Biblical text). We saw this play out over the years in a disproportionate number of miserable marriages with everything from wives experiencing low-grade chronic depression to actual abuse and divorce which often resulted in the wife going off the rails, even after leaving the “church”. This kind of culture lends itself to husbands being unwilling to accept influence from their wives, and their marriages and mental health suffer for it.
Shift the atmosphere of heaviness. Do you know how to shift the atmosphere when there is conflict, heaviness or intensity in the air? Couples with successful marriages use these hacks to create a needed shift before damage can take place:
Utilize humor! It’s true, laughter does the heart good like medicine! Making fun of yourself (it doesn’t have to be self-deprecating), making a joke about the situation, or using the humor of a private joke between the 2 of you can go miles to lessen tension and put things in perspective. However, beware: mocking your spouse, sarcasm, or trying to be funny when the situation has gone past tension to outright rage is not a good tactic. I don’t think I have to explain why.
Express concern for your spouse. Most of the time, your spouse just wants to feel truly cared for. Listening to find out more about your husband or wife as opposed to listening for when you can jump in and defend yourself goes a long way in diffusing frustration. Learning to listen for what might be behind your partner’s unwelcome communication will help you determine what kind of caring remark they might need to hear.
Find a way to express you’re on the same team. Most of the time, you both want the same thing deep down inside. The problem usually arises when you have different ways of getting there.
For years I was convinced Todd didn’t desire an emotionally intimate marriage like I did. It took a long time and a lot of personal and relational work to understand that he in fact did want intimacy, but had a different understanding of what that looked like and how to get there. It can be tempting to demonize your spouse when you are interpreting their behavior only through your own perspective which is influenced by a lifetime of specific experiences and learned thought processes. This is where it is essential to find outside resources that share the same values to help you reason things out and reflect back on the situation from an objective viewpoint. In the words of one of our favorite counselors, “I’m pretty sure neither one of you is the devil”.
Consider letting your spouse win (ouch…I feel deeply uncomfortable even thinking about it). Sometimes you have to give your spouse a win. If one of you happens to be better at the skill of arguing and normally wins, it can begin to feel defeating and demoralizing, which leads to discouragement and might possibly end with stonewalling (the worst of the 4 horsemen of the marriage apocalypse!). You can win an argument but lose a friend (or a marriage). Think about what will cost you more.
Physically touch your spouse during an argument or heated discussion (as long as you can keep your nails from digging in…). During Retrovaille, an amazing and arduous weekend marriage workshop, one of the suggestions was to keep holding hands or letting your feet gently touch when discussing something difficult. This communicates to your spouse (and to your own body and brain) that you still love them and you’re not going anywhere even though you feel angry. Remember, YOU’RE ON THE SAME TEAM, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.
It’s never too late for a marriage tune up, and there’s no better time than the beginning of the year to get your relationship going in the right direction!
