3 Signs Your Marriage Conflict is Related to Expectations
Two of my children and I are involved with the entertainment industry. Although it is standard to never hear back from anyone for the majority of your auditions, there was one in particular that our son had that we felt almost sure he would book! The feedback from the casting director (who rarely give feedback), the call back, the role that seemed to fit so perfectly with his personality and gifts…they all screamed, “you’re booked!” Although we knew better than to get our hopes up we couldn’t help feeling disappointed when we found out someone else got the job!
Disappointment is normal in life, and even though we know this to be true, it can hit harder when it happens in your marriage. When you’re more invested in a relationship, the effects of disappointment can be more profound and harder to bounce back from, and almost always result in conflict. The good news is, becoming more self-reflective about your expectations can help you adjust them in the future, cutting down on conflicts related to being disappointed.
How can you identify if your conflict is expectation related? Here are 3 signs to look for that might help:
Comparison: How much time do you spend on social media? How many movies or programs are you consuming that portray relationships in an unrealistic and “Hollywood-ized” way? While there might be a handful of accounts or shows that show the good, bad and ugly in relationships, the VAST majority only show an almost completely unrealistic view of marriage, dating, engagement and even friendship. Difficulties are often glossed over and key parts of experiences entirely left out. The criticism and stonewalling during the trip to Disneyland with the kids are not documented. The house that is in shambles with dirty dishes abounding and litter boxes overflowing are not in view. No one snaps pics of them and their spouse, each sleeping on the far opposite edges of the bed, or even worse, sleeping on the couch! While we may think we know this, many of us have internalized lying messages from the media without even realizing it.
We may also have high expectations resulting from our experiences growing up. My dad was an exceptional gift giver. He bought flowers for my mom every year on my and my sisters birthdays without fail (a tradition my uncles continued for him after he passed away)! My husband gives to me in many different ways, but that isn’t one of them. That could have been a big disappointment for me when we got married had I not recognized what his strengths were or had gift giving been my love language! This can also happen in reverse: you may have grown up thinking, “I’m going to get married someday to someone who never does xyz, or always does abc”, only to find out that you ultimately can’t control what your spouse does or doesn’t do.
When our standards are too high and our expectations are impossible to meet, disappointment and conflict inevitably follow. Until unrealistic expectations are arrested, this cycle will continue indefinitely.
Emotional Dependency: Do you find yourself aggravated, angry, or even enraged with your spouse more often than not? Do you frequently go in and out of hopelessness, despair, or depression depending on how your spouse is responding to you? These can be signs you have an unhealthy dependence on your spouse. Some other signs might be: feeling like your life has no meaning without their complete emotional or physical availability, needing constant reassurance from them to feel ok, feelings of emptiness or anxiety without them, and difficulty trusting their feelings for you.
It is normal to expect some level of comfort, support and care from each other in your marriage, especially during times of high stress or grief. However, when you depend on your spouse to meet ALL of your needs and don’t feel OK when they don’t meet them all the time or exactly the way you want them to, you might be emotionally dependent. This will almost always result in conflict as emotionally dependent people often feel angry and resentful when these expectations are not met, even though it is impossible for any one person to meet all of them. Completely relying on another person to make you happy will take a toll on the relationship quickly.
If you are emotionally dependent, you will never be satisfied long term in your marriage until you start taking full responsibility for your own well being, allowing for your marriage to become interdependent. Interdependence means you and your spouse are mutually dependent on each other. In a marriage this can look like having the ability to recognize your own emotional needs and do the work to get them met, reaching out to your partner when you can’t meet them on your own, even if it means elisting outside help. While your spouse can be supportive in walking with you through the process of helping yourself, he or she cannot ultimately be held responsible for your well-being if you want a healthy marriage.
Low expectations: Wait, what? Don’t expectations lead to disappointment? Well, yes if they are too high or unhealthy. But what happens when you set the bar too low?? Just like any extremes are unhealthy, extremely low expectations can be just as destructive. If you allow your spouse to speak demeaningly to you, be inconsiderate (e.g. not telling you if he’s coming home late or not coming home at all), control you or mistreat you in ANY way, your expectations are much too low. Mutual respect and submitting to one another in love are foundational parts of a relationship. Without these, the marriage will fall apart almost before it gets started.
Marriage is such a gift and it is designed by God to be an incredible blessing. It’s human nature to want to look to your spouse to give you the comfort you long for, the joy you desire, and the security you crave. Sometimes they will be able to do this for you and those times call for much gratitude and rejoicing; however, they will not always be able to fill that role. They are not God. Only God is God. Only He can “meet all of your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus”. He may work through your spouse, your friends, mentors or professionals. He may meet you directly to give you that peace that passes all understanding. However you choose to get your needs met, if you want a healthy, thriving marriage, identifying expectation related conflict will help you avoid unnecessary!
