3 Ways to Make Marriage Work When You Have Money Conflicts
I recently had someone come to me and tell me how angry they were when they found out their partner had different plans for their hefty tax return they were expecting right before it was due to arrive. This woman had planned for weeks what she was going to do with the money, in detail, only to find out that her husband had radically different ideas about what to do with it!! This newfound information put her totally over the edge!!
Can you relate to this (or something like it)? It is not uncommon to have conflict when it comes to money, in fact, about ⅓ of adults report that money is a big source of tension in their relationship. What is less common is knowing why this happens and what to do about it to make your marriage work.
According to Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT, our thoughts and feelings about “money” are often different because our attitudes and understanding of it started developing with our family of origin. Ideas about spending, saving and other financial matters are typically rooted in your upbringing. Money issues go much deeper than different styles of balancing your checkbook!
Fortunately, if you have conflicts about money, you also have an opportunity to get to know your partner in a deeper way. This can result in a closer relationship as you seek to understand each other’s experiences and how they contributed to each of your beliefs, attitudes and feelings about money. Instead of panicking and digging your heels in over your finances, try these 3 conversations suggested by Prepare/Enrich:
Ask each other what your earliest money memories are. Do you remember your parents tensing up or getting agitated when the subject of money came up? Were you told “we can’t afford that” more than you can remember any other response when you asked for something you wanted or even needed? Did your parents have a lot of money and nice things but there was a lack of presence and connection in your home?
I grew up with parents who had a stable marriage in a home that was also financially stable but modest; I was rarely able to buy name brand anything and my parents had to get creative about vacations. I lived and went to school in wealthier areas and most of my friends were what I considered wealthy, but most of their parents were also divorced. The impression this left on me was that if you had a lot of money or were financially comfortable, then you automatically had to sacrifice relationship. I was subconsciously fearful at different times in our marriage to have money, thinking that it meant that our marriage would suffer! Thankfully as I reflected on my earlier money memories, this realization was able to surface and I could take action to correct this false perception. It also gave my husband insight about me that he didn’t have before.
Allow each other the time and space to express the memories that left the biggest impression on your lives. What insights does this give you about your spouse?
Ask each other what money means to you today. You’ve discussed what your early money memories were and hopefully gained some insights about yourself and your spouse. Next, ask your partner to define what money means to them now. Does it mean happiness and security? Does it mean peace? Does it mean more vacations, dinners out, or a shameless shoe fund? Does it mean status? This may tell you why you get upset when your spouse wants to use money in a different way than you. Does your spouse want to spend money to go to a sporting event when you feel it should go into your savings to build an emergency fund? Do you want to do a little extra clothes shopping when your spouse wants to use money to travel? If you get a better sense of what money means to each other, you can see the issue isn’t so much about the actual money as it is about what it represents. If you feel like your security is being taken away, it makes more sense why you would have strong feelings and reactions that may contribute to conflict in your marriage. Do a little digging and get more insight (and possibly compassion) about your partner and their strong emotions around money.
Ask each other to describe specifically what their financial goals are, short term and long term. You may think you know and may have even done some dreaming together. However, it is always helpful to clarify what your goals are with each other to avoid making assumptions and also make room for changes in goals over time. Understanding each other’s goals is important because it will give you insight into why your spouse wants to spend money in ways that might be different from you. It may seem like your spouse is stingy if they would rather sock money away than use it to go out for a night on the town. However, if you find out that they feel pressure to take care of you and your family and are seeking to partner with God to create a secure future, it could change the conflict conversation.
Most conflicts are not as straightforward as they seem. Additionally, when you enter into strong emotion, your thinking immediately becomes irrational at some level. When your thoughts are irrational, your perception of your spouse becomes distorted in a negative way. Before you act on your emotions, take some time to let your adrenaline subside and then decide to get curious about your spouse. Own the fact that you have thoughts, ideas and emotions around money that you may not be aware of. These attitudes may be affecting your decisions and desires concerning money that are not in your best interest (even if you think they are!). Become willing to risk being vulnerable with your partner to let them see why you approach your finances the way you do. Remember that at this moment, you have an opportunity to make your marriage work, even in the midst of conflict.
