3 Times it’s OK to Let the Sun Go Down on Your Anger
In recent news, a senate candidate reportedly suggested that people in violent marriages shouldn’t get divorced. Although this is alarming, it serves to highlight the fact that there are indeed marriages that are in trouble due to anger that has gotten out of control.
As Christians, one of the most recited verses when it comes to relationships, particularly marriage, is to “not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph 4:26-27). There has been much conversation about whether or not this is literal, and it’s an important question to answer, because taken in the wrong context, this advice can be most unhelpful!!
Most scholars believe that the meaning of these verses is to not allow a period of anger to be unreasonably prolonged, thereby “giving the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:27). Practically speaking, using the sunset as a time limit for your anger can be a helpful tool to ensure you don’t unnecessarily leave your anger unchecked, allowing it to turn into something more sinister. This may work for some people, but there are 3 times that it is not recommended, as noted by marriage experts at Prepare/Enrich:
1. Late at night
Todd and I counseled a couple at one time who were experiencing a pattern of bringing up problems they were having with each other late at night after all the kids were in bed when they were both exhausted.
When you are already tired, particularly if you have babies and are sleep deprived, trying to resolve conflict into the wee hours of the night usually ends in a dumpster fire. Much of communication is related to interpretation, and when we are tired, interpretation is often distorted. Additionally, our fuses are much shorter when we are in need of sleep. This makes for a potentially explosive situation.
Getting some rest and time blocking a meeting into your lunch hour or kids nap and/or school hours will give you a huge advantage to resolving your conflict successfully. Add in a good communication plan for resolving conflict and you’re on your way to victory!
2. When you’re flooded
If the end of the day comes and you were offended by your spouse at any point, you may be too emotional to be able to discuss anything rationally until you have had time to process your emotions. Depending on your temperament and how hurt you were in the interaction, you may be emotionally flooded.
Emotional flooding happens when you become overwhelmed with emotion and your body's nervous system goes into high alert. When this happens, your body thinks it's being attacked. You might start becoming accusational, make derogatory personal attacks, yell, or even become violent. Another unhealthy response to this is fully shutting down or storming out of the room before anything has been resolved.
If you find yourself flooded, the best thing to do is to simply share with your spouse that you’re flooded and need a day or 2 to calm down before you have any discussion.
3. When you’re getting nowhere fast
If the kids went down early, you happen to have more energy than usual, and you don’t have particularly strong emotions at the end of the day, it might work to try and resolve conflict. However, if you get into an argument that is just going in circles, it will not be helpful to continue on the merry-go-round until 3 AM. This is where you will need to agree to circle back after you get some sleep and do something to reset your brain before you try again.
Tips:
It sounds so simple to say, “just get some sleep and try again tomorrow”, but if you are upset, and especially if you’re flooded, you may have a difficult time falling asleep. If you are just laying in bed stewing, getting up and doing something physical to burn off anger or stress energy is often helpful. Meditation is another tool that works well for many people (meditating on God’s word is the most powerful). If you’re able to do both, that could be the most calming. Additionally, journaling can be a way to experience release.
Remember to communicate what you are doing! Just giving the cold shoulder while you wait to resolve your conflict will only add to the negative emotions and relational problem. As much as you may feel they don’t deserve it, make a commitment to be respectful and kind while you’re waiting, even if you are not able to be emotionally or physically intimate. Consider reminding our spouse of your commitment to them and your marriage, even though you are feeling angry or needing space. You will be glad you did.
Feeling angry, even after the sun goes down, will not necessarily turn anyone into a werewolf. However, it also does not give you permission to go indefinitely without attempting to resolve the conflict in a healthy way. For some, this may necessitate coaching or mentoring. Whatever it takes to regain intimate connection, it will be worth it.
