3 Boundaries in Marriage You Cannot Do Without
There is a large inventory of tools available to help marriages be successful, but there are 3 boundaries that should ALWAYS be in place:
Consistent (not constant) Time To Connect: When the demands of kids are (literally) screaming in your ear, work takes you out of town, or mountains of laundry prohibit you from literally sitting down together, hearing, “you need to prioritize your time together every day” can feel like unhelpful pressure. A more workable version of this is to make sure you prioritize CONSISTENT time together.
When Todd spent over a year working out of town only coming home on weekends, I would feel stress when I would hear people talk about making sure you connect with your spouse every day. Even on the weekends, by the time we finished readjusting to his being home, he would have to leave before we could really connect.
If you are in a season where you don’t have large quantities of time, planning ANY amount of time together on a consistent basis will go a long way to keeping your marriage intact. Just knowing when your next time together is coming can help stave off anxiety and resentment about your relationship. Todd and I, at the suggestion of a wise friend, started planning regular zoom dates when he was away where we would each go somewhere we enjoyed and wouldn't be distracted. This gave us something to look forward to (as lame as zoom is it’s better than nothing), and reassurance that we were both still valuable to each other.
TIP: Make the most of whatever time you plan together by working out conflicts or practical issues at a different time than your date together. Ideally your date is filled with positive interactions and builds happy memories.
Interpersonal Hedges
As described by Jerry Jenkins in his book of the same name, hedges are practical ways to avoid compromising situations and giving temptation a foothold in your life.
One of the stories Todd sometimes shares in marriage coaching is that he came into our relationship with the habit of flirting. While he considered it harmless (and in fact didn’t even realize what he was doing), his behavior caused other women to misunderstand his intentions. After some hard conversations between us, over time he started to realize his behavior was foolish and only steps away from being reckless. As he learned what behaviors were sending the wrong signals, he started avoiding them like the plague!
Another hedge that is vital to make around your marriage is to avoid making strong, interpersonal and emotional connections with the opposite sex (or same sex if that is a temptation).
“When God described marriage in the very beginning of time, he made it clear that the marriage relationship between husband and wife was to be the number one human relationship from that moment on: a one-of-a-kind, intimate human relationship.
Dr. Shirley Glass says that ‘infidelity is that you took something that was supposed to be mine, which is sexual or emotional intimacy, and you gave it to somebody else.’ (Shirley P. Glass, PhD, Shattered Vows: Getting Beyond Betrayal, Psychology Today July-August 1998.)
Plainly stated, affairs are more about betrayal than about sex.” (Excerpted from Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver. Copyright 2011).
Unless you are seeking professional counsel or are sharing something with a friend or mentor free from emotional dependency, your emotional energy is best channeled into developing closeness with your spouse and planting hedges around any competing relationships.
Hitting Above The Belt (FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING!)
It is a surprise to some that arguments, conflict, and disagreement are not harmful to a marriage. In fact, true intimacy cannot occur in their absence. Damage from relational conflict only happens when one or both partners don’t play by the rules. Hitting below the belt includes (but is not limited to): personal criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (The Gottman Institute).
Even if you manage to stay married in the presence of these horsemen of the marriage-apocalypse, your marriage will likely be unfulfilling and devoid of much satisfaction at best, and harmful and personally damaging at worst.
It is important to remember that as humans living in a fallen world who are contending daily with our flesh, the enemy, and the world, it is very likely that these boundaries will be crossed at some point in the relationship. That is why it is important to recognize what these boundaries are and identify which ones need to be restored when your relationship starts to feel out of balance. It is also important to know when you need to recruit help outside your marriage. Boundaries are wisdom; “For wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her. I, wisdom, dwell with prudence, and I find knowledge and discretion.”-Proverbs 8:11-12 ESV
