5 Habits That Hijack Communication
What do you do when you’re having a conversation and you cannot get on the same page? You suddenly feel like you’re not on the same team and what started as a positive or even benign exchange suddenly goes south.
For some this can feel like a random experience of wires getting crossed. For others it is an experience you have come to expect as you notice patterns of frustration and feelings of being misunderstood. Either way, you don’t know how to make it stop!!
Thankfully, there is a solution! As humans, we have an ever changing landscape of emotions, preconceived notions, and ongoing expectations of our spouse or partner. This often distorts our ability to express exactly what we need, want, or mean and also clouds what we hear our partner saying. Before we know it, we may have slipped into one or more of these 5 habits, identified by Prepare/Enrich, that sabotage good communication.
Being too sarcastic. Todd grew up with sarcasm as a main staple of humor and conversation. He had toned it down before we met but we still had to have a few conversations about how that affected our communication (aka hurt my feelings) after we started dating! Where he thought he was joking, I thought he was being dismissive or insulting. Some people even interpret sarcasm as judgmental, contemptuous, or rejecting.
Communication Tip: Try using a gentle tone and be direct. Pause to evaluate if your spouse is in the mood for sarcastic joking. Do a quick self-check to see if your sarcasm is coming from a place of levity or passive aggressive irritation (passive aggressive behavior never solves any kind of conflict and in fact adds to it).
Not being aware of your body language
You may be doing everything you can to stay calm and talk in a measured and controlled way, but if your expression or body language is saying something else, this is going to be interpreted with as much weight (if not more) by your spouse. Whether it’s laser darts from your eyes or getting into a fight stance without realizing it, your spouse will take note.
Communication Tip: Be honest with yourself about how you’re feeling. If it is safe for you to do so, be honest with your spouse about how you’re really feeling as well before you attempt any problem solving. Don’t “fake it till you make it”. If you have to, remove yourself from the situation until you have taken more time to process your emotions and are not so “flooded”.
Being distracted
I get it…when my phone notifications go off my brain is activated and the worst kind of FOMO/911 chemicals get activated and I HAVE to see what world changing event my superhero self is called to (aside from my Amazon order being delivered). Whether it’s the phone, Apple Watch, kids who don’t actually need you but want you, or a view of the pile of dishes in the sink, distraction is all around us most of the time. However, if you cannot prioritize your relationship and give your spouse the undivided attention they deserve, it will kick you in the butt down the road. You BOTH need to feel like you are valuable enough to set time aside and give each other your full attention.
Communication Tip: Put your phone down and turn off your notifications. Put a movie on for the kids, wait until they are asleep, or get up an hour before they wake up. Hire a babysitter for 2 hours and go out together if your lives are THAT crazy. If your spouse tries to have a serious conversation and you are distracted, communicate that with them. Ask them if you can schedule a time to talk to them so that you can give them your full attention (and make sure you schedule it with them before the day is over so they know they are a priority to you!) If you get interrupted despite your best efforts, circle back with them a little later after the distractions are dealt with. Look them directly in the eye and unless you see smoke or hear gunshots, don’t look at anything else.
Making assumptions
While it may seem reasonable to you to have made certain assumptions about your partner, the reality is, assumptions are just that: deciding something is true that you have no actual proof of. I know a couple who have had a very tumultuous marriage, often stemming from one of them having a repeated pattern of making assumptions. The wife often determines the motives behind her husband’s behavior without any proof because, as she says, “I just know”. It’s true that some people have a keener sense of discernment than others; however, unless you are God, you don’t actually know something is true if you do not have factual evidence to prove it.
Sometimes the problem lies in assuming your spouse knows or understands what is bothering you and why, along with what they should do about it without communicating with them directly about it. Unfortunately, this just serves to increase misunderstanding, leading to further conflict and resentment.
Communication Tip: Assume nothing. Clearly communicate to your spouse the specific problem you are having, how you feel about it, and what exactly you would like them to do differently in the future. This will give you the best odds of feeling understood, having your needs met, and giving your partner an opportunity to contribute to the relationship in a healthier way.
Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable
This may be the hardest pattern to break if it is one you are accustomed to. Sometimes, past trauma, either from your relationship with your spouse or family of origin, inhibits the ability to be vulnerable. The problem with this is that in order to have intimacy, you need to have vulnerability.
You might find yourself resisting sharing how you truly feel, disengaging, or putting up emotional walls. You may also withdraw if your spouse tries to be vulnerable with you. If this pattern continues, you will likely experience great emptiness in your marriage. This experience makes you more vulnerable to temptation to seek intimacy with other people.
Communication Tip: Seek help determining if you have some unhealed trauma in your life. MANY people do! Work with someone you trust to get more healing and begin to bravely practice taking small steps to be vulnerable with your spouse. It may be uncomfortable, but it is a discomfort that could pay off greatly in the end.
The truth is that most of us have habits that are counterproductive to a thriving marriage. However, we can learn to identify them and replace them with behavior that is conducive to joy and intimacy. It will take work and repeated “failure”, but if we commit to being gracious with ourselves and our spouse, we will see fruit that will bless us and our future generations.
