Why does Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton's marriage involve so much gardening??
Why does Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton's marriage involve so much gardening??
This year Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton have shared with fans in various ways that these early years of their marriage involve a lot of gardening! In fact, Blake posted on Instagram last month the gorgeous wildflower garden he planted for her. Why are they spending so much time in the dirt, digging and planting things themselves (including digging a well) when they have plenty of money to hire it all out? We don’t know all of the reasons why but from what we do know, for Gwen, there is something about planting seeds that feels very symbolic in her life, and Blake is eager to share his love of the earth and “God’s Country” with her.
According to the Gottman Institute, doing small things often is one of the 7 techniques that keeps life in marriage thriving. “It’s not about renting a limousine which ends in a sunset picnic on a secluded beach. It’s not about buying a dozen roses once a year. Just do small things over and over again. Here are some small things to get you started. Smile when you see your partner. Say something nice to them. Do a tiny special thing for them that you know they would appreciate. And, repeat.”
Although most of us may not have acres and acres of land we can designate just for a wildflower garden for our spouse, if a garden gives them joy, most of us could find a pot and buy a couple bags of dirt + a tomato plant or some petunias to surprise them. If they love ice cream, we can surprise them with dessert at the ice cream parlor (or Foster’s Freeze…just sayin’), or pick up a gallon at the store.
Another key factor in a thriving marriage is participating in common interests together, much in the same way that Gwen and Blake are gardening. According to Psychology today, “partners who do things together become more closely connected and come to enjoy each other’s company.” While common interests in relationships are not as impactful as love, respect, affection and attention, they do strengthen marriage.
For the first 7 years of our life in marriage, before we had kids, Todd and I did a lot of activities together. When we lived in Pasadena we would run around the track at Cal-Tech in the evenings or take walks together in San Marino, a quaint and upscale neighborhood near us. I would also drag him to the craft store seasonally to shop with me for decorations for whatever holiday was coming up next (he actually grew to enjoy this…sort of). When we lived in the SF Bay Area, Todd was a Youth Pastor and I was a counselor in the youth group, which involved LOTS of activities, sometimes multiple times a week. We would even go to Tijuana yearly on a missions trip.
These common experiences together in our early marriage were beneficial because they met some criteria:
First, they led us to interact with each other in a positive way. While we definitely had arguments and serious frustration about differing opinions on how things should be run in the youth group at times, the majority of our time in Youth Ministry was centered around interacting as a team. We would share joy and excitement in our students' victories as we would see some of them develop friendships in the group and transform from being shy and depressed to confident and full of laughter as they encountered the love and acceptance of Jesus. We would also share intense experiences walking together with a student and comforting them through the sudden loss of their dad in a tragic biking accident.
Secondly, many of these activities were enjoyable to both of us. I know several pastor’s wives who felt it was their duty or obligation to formally participate in their husband’s ministry, but it wasn’t something they felt personally called to or gifted in and they became very unhappy and resentful. Todd and I both love sharing the love of Jesus with others and helping them find God-solutions to their life challenges. In fact, we are still doing that today in our marriage and individual coaching and mentoring!
Third, we were both committed to what we were doing. We both feel passionate about serving others and are more than willing to do it when the opportunity arises. We are also committed to the local church, and want to see it grow and become a healthy and safe refuge for people through the storms of life. If one of us was bored or disinterested in this activity in any way, it would take away from the other’s enjoyment of it.
After we started having children, more of my time was spent at home with the kids (something I had had a life-long dream of doing). At the same time, my husband changed vocations and went into the trades. Not having a built in way to do things together and work as a team outside of our home, we slowly began to lose those times of working on a common goal and enjoying outside activities together. Our life in marriage slowly stopped thriving, even though I was personally living my dream. Most of our activities now centered around our children (by choice); in hindsight, it should have been more balanced with time for just the two of us. “...a couple’s leisure time should be split between spouses-only versus time spent with children…many women are with their children quite often, and time with just her husband breaks up her workload and helps her feel she has a balanced lifestyle—not to mention maintains her sanity.” (Psychology Today).
While we shared some of the greatest joys of our lives when we watched our kids smile for the first time, say their first word, taught them to ride a bike together or just snuggled on the couch watching a movie, it was not always well balanced with time for just the two of us. When one of the biggest storms of our lives came with one of our older children, our life in marriage probably suffered more than it would have had we been more closely connected. It also likely extended the time it took to reconnect after we started to personally heal from the trauma.
If you need more balance in your marriage, it’s time for a “communication date” to start negotiating your time together! Word of wisdom for wives: generally speaking, men compartmentalize much better than women. This might look like your husband is thinking that everything is fine as far as your time together goes since you're spending time together with the kids, working on your home, going to family gatherings together, etc. He may feel he is “killing 2 birds with one stone”. This is NOT personal, so do not take it as such! It will only lead to unnecessary conflict and more negativity in your marriage! Your conversation should focus on what is workable and not workable for you, and what could be workable for both of you. Judgment is not a path to solutions. If either of you continue to feel resistant about spending more time together, it is an opportunity to be curious and explore why this might be. Are there resentments or hurts that haven’t yet been addressed? Are the activities being suggested that are not enjoyable to the other person? Is life feeling overwhelming and overly stressful to one of you and leisure time feels unmanageable? Even if you don’t end up solving your problem in one night, you will have at least gained more insight into your spouse if you can do the work of staying curious about your spouse and trying to understand them rather than seeking to be understood.
You don’t have to go on a cruise, travel to Italy or book a hut on a remote island to build your marriage (but no judgement if you do…in fact, can I go?). It’s the small things done repeatedly, and finding the positive things you can do together on a regular basis that you both enjoy and are equally committed to. Start getting curious and then go put this into action by the end of the week!
