Spiritual Abuse
What is spiritual abuse in marriage?
“Tell her what you want for lunch. Turn requests into commands. ‘Can you make me a sandwich?’ becomes ‘CAN YOU MAKE ME A SANDWICH.’ It’s not the words; it’s the tone.”-It’s Good to Be a Man FB post by Michael Foster
It is sad to say, but there seems to be a growing movement in the church that is aligning with abusive doctrines wrapped in bows of scripture.
While there are many different forms of abuse, I want to specifically address spiritual abuse in marriage.
Michael Foster and Bnonn Tennant (excommunicated in 2020), authors of “It’s Good to be a Man”, both argue in their article, “Fearfulness, Fighting & Feminists” that scripture says abused wives who choose to stay with their abusive husbands (who continue to be abusive) are to be commended.
This is called spiritual abuse.
But what does that mean?
One Facebook page, Examining Doug Wilson and Moscow Idaho (Doug Wilson is a self appointed pastor with a history of abuse victims coming out of the church and school he founded and still has leadership roles in), describes it as, “A person using scripture to control or manipulate someone to act in a way that endangers that person while benefiting another or others.” This can happen in a marriage.
Darby Strickland, a counselor and teacher at the Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation, further defines it as, “an oppressor [establishing] domination by using Scripture, doctrine or his/her ‘leadership role’ as a weapon. This form of abuse can be subtle, because it can mask itself as religious practice. If a husband exhibits control-oriented leadership over his wife, lords his power over her, demands submission from her or uses Scripture in shaming and punishing ways, these are signs of spiritual abuse.
…[it] is a close cousin to emotional abuse, except it’s more profoundly wounding as it often leaves victims isolated from God. Since it uses God and His Word to dominate and scold, victims can find it hard to separate the abuse from their understanding of who God is or of how He sees them.”
When I started informally mentoring several years ago, one pattern I saw with women in marriages where spiritual abuse was present is that they really struggled with recognizing abuse. Victims of ongoing spiritual abuse often become so familiar with it that on some level they think it is normal. They are also often told by their abuser or leaders in the church that the behavior is their fault because they were not obedient or submissive enough. Many times the people they confide in minimize the abusive behavior and the effects it is having on them. These all contribute to the victim becoming unable to recognize the impact that it is having on their mental, emotional and physical health (and that of their children’s).
One woman, many years ago, cried out to me in tears exclaiming, “I’m so tired of my husband being mean”. She had been in an abusive marriage for over 20 years and most of that time experienced her husband ordering and commanding her to do things that he wanted her to do, from household chores to sex and everything in between. He used scripture to justify his behavior. This was the primary way he communicated with her. He had also been sexually unfaithful to her early in their marriage.
She had reached out to the leaders in her church at the time, but they were nonplussed and there was little follow up. When I asked her about the possibility of creating healthy boundaries in her marriage, she immediately expressed fear of being “unsubmissive”, or “disobedient” to her husband. She was far from recognizing that she was experiencing emotional and spiritual abuse.
Why is it important to recognize when behavior is spiritually, mentally or emotionally abusive? The answer is probably obvious to most of us, but if you are a victim, the answer may not be as clear.
Much in the same way that leprosy causes nerve damage that may result in a lack of ability to feel pain, leading to the loss of parts of a person's extremities from repeated injuries or infection through unnoticed wounds, failure to identify the effects of spiritual, emotional and mental abuse can cause short and long-term damage to your mind, will, emotions, and even your body.
Short term effects of emotional, mental and spiritual abuse can include:
confusion
fear
hopelessness
shame
difficulty concentrating
moodiness
muscle tension
nightmares
racing heartbeat
various aches and pains
Long term effects can include:
guilt
social withdrawal or loneliness
Chronic fatigue syndrome
fibromyalgia
Other health and/or psychological problems with spiritual abuse in marriage include having trouble breathing, panic attacks, weight gain (obesity), weight loss…they may even become suicidal.
This does not take into account the effects that this kind of abuse in marriage has on children, either directly (a parent who is spiritually abusive to their spouse is usually spiritually abusive to everyone else in the household), or indirectly as they witness one of their parents being victimized repeatedly.
Now that I am formally mentoring, I often give women an objective diagnostic tool to help them recognize what they are experiencing if I hear or see signs of emotional, mental or spiritual abuse in their marriage. If you suspect you or someone you know may be experiencing abuse, reach out to me (confidentially) for this free tool! (This tool is also helpful as there is simultaneously a trend in our culture right now to call things “unsafe” that are not actually unsafe or abusive. But that is for another blog!) REACH ME HERE
The path out of spiritual abuse is difficult; in fact, many victims do not see themselves trapped in an abusive marriage or relationship at all. The whole concept may be too painful or foreign to bear. If you are considering the possibility that you might be experiencing mistreatment, it is important to know that acknowledging that “you do not like how your partner treats you” (vs. “our relationship has problems”), is a courageous and honorable first step.
The second step comes from Jesus Himself as an invitation to you today to rest. In Matt. 11:28 Jesus invites the weary and heavy burdened to come to him and find rest and refreshement. This invitation echoes from the heart of the Father: “For I [fully] satisfy the weary soul, and I replenish every languishing and sorrowful person” (Jeremiah 31:25).
Jesus always speaks tenderly to people suffering from the burden of the law when it is twisted and misapplied (aka spiritual abuse). He wants to remind you that not only has He fulfilled the law so that you can be at ease and at peace with the Father regardless of your efforts in your marriage, but He is also inviting you to exchange your yoke (burden) for His. His yoke is light; it is based solely on the work Jesus Himself did out of His unconditional and never-ending love for you.
What is the yoke (work) of Jesus? “Then they asked Him, “What are we to do, so that we may habitually be doing the works of God?” Jesus answered, “This is the work of God: that you believe [adhere to, trust in, rely on, and have faith] in the One whom He has sent” (Jn. 6:28-29).
When you have begun to exchange your burden of spiritual abuse in your marriage (or anywhere else) for the life-giving work of trusting in Jesus and His love, acceptance and affirmation of you, you might consider a 3rd step, which is getting wisdom. This may need to come from counsel with other people, being mindful to look for people who have not laid heavy burdens on you or mistreated you in the past (this would include people who minimize the effects of abusive behavior, including spiritual abuse in your marriage). It may also be helpful to look for people who are, “well balanced in all things” (I Pet. 5:8), not inappropriately jumping to conclusions about abusive behavior without the education and understanding of what actually constitutes abuse, specifically spiritual abuse.
It is my prayer for you that the Holy Spirit would fill you and empower you to pursue the abundant life that Jesus died to give you in your marriage (Jn 10:10); abundant life always includes freedom… “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty [emancipation from bondage, true freedom].” It is His desire that you get free from any and every form of abuse, in any form, in your marriage or anywhere else. If you are ready to take a step into freedom but are not sure where to turn, please contact me for confidential support to get you closer to the freedom that Jesus desires for you! CONTACT ME HERE
*Resources: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/effects-of-emotional-abuse#long--term-effects
https://safeharborim.com/effects-spiritual-abuse/
